How fear holds back a new relationship
I took part in a BBC Radio panel last week, answering questions on
Love in Later Life. One of the issues we discussed was the apparently
insincere attitude of some singles, referred to in the broadcast as
“slappers” or “players”: people who have a casual approach to new
relationships. In the programme we discussed how this and other
attitudes can often be explained by the “emotional baggage” these
people carry, which prevents them from finding love in a new
relationship. A fundamental cause of this “baggage” is fear.
Both men and women often have feelings of insecurity. These feelings
may play out in their interactions with people and affect the
commitment they make to relationships. Invariably these feelings are
due to fears. One caller to the phone-in said that no-one was interested
in considering a relationship with her once they discover that she's
blind. The individuals she's been talking to may simply be fearful of the
The “slapper” and “player” labels aren't really describing the women
and men themselves, but are more about the behaviour being shown.
(Not that these descriptors are correct or acceptable either).
However, if a man is acting out “player “ behaviour it could be that he
may have perceived that he has been hurt by somebody at some point
(and men are just as sensitive as women) so his conscious or
subconscious response is to think “I've been rejected” . His feelings
then are of hurt or anger, and the behaviour shown is “I'll prove that I
can get anyone I want” in order to soothe his ego.
In the same way, fear can affect a woman, and her behaviour may be to
treat the person she is with 'flippantly' and move on to the next person
quickly. Fear is behind a lot of this type of behaviour; however, labels
then appear to be associated (sometimes inappropriately) with the
behaviour. Examples are “the commitmentphobe” (who actually has a
fear of commitment of any one thing, a person, or a situation that they
may perceive as restrictive), “the user” (a fear of being rejected, causing
dipping in and out), “the dreamer” (a fear of failure, talking a lot but
refraining from putting dreams into practice) , and “the time waster”
(a fear of having a relationship or fear of emotional intimacy, moving on
before a relationship becomes too deep).
What is really going on here is fear, in the same way that someone who
suffers with anxiety is fearful of uncertainty, fearful of tomorrow, or
fearful of not being in control, which then brings out anxious feelings
and the consequent associated behaviour patterns.
So, in terms of later life relationships, it is really helpful to look within
yourself and let go of your fears and the emotions and feelings
(emotional baggage) associated with them, to enable you to have a
Letting go of fear is not so easily done, because people have to
recognise the fear within themselves first, and then want to change,
which is where my role comes in. I can help you overcome your fears
by helping you to see a different way of thinking.
Contact me to find out more, and discover how you can remove the
fears you may have.