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How fear holds back a new relationship

I took part in a BBC Radio panel last week, answering questions on

Love in Later Life. One of the issues we discussed was the apparently

insincere attitude of some singles, referred to in the broadcast as

“slappers” or “players”: people who have a casual approach to new

relationships. In the programme we discussed how this and other

attitudes can often be explained by the “emotional baggage” these

people carry, which prevents them from finding love in a new

relationship. A fundamental cause of this “baggage” is fear.

Both men and women often have feelings of insecurity. These feelings

may play out in their interactions with people and affect the

commitment they make to relationships. Invariably these feelings are

due to fears. One caller to the phone-in said that no-one was interested

in considering a relationship with her once they discover that she's

blind. The individuals she's been talking to may simply be fearful of the


The “slapper” and “player” labels aren't really describing the women

and men themselves, but are more about the behaviour being shown.

(Not that these descriptors are correct or acceptable either).

However, if a man is acting out “player “ behaviour it could be that he

may have perceived that he has been hurt by somebody at some point

(and men are just as sensitive as women) so his conscious or

subconscious response is to think “I've been rejected” . His feelings

then are of hurt or anger, and the behaviour shown is “I'll prove that I

can get anyone I want” in order to soothe his ego.

In the same way, fear can affect a woman, and her behaviour may be to

treat the person she is with 'flippantly' and move on to the next person

quickly. Fear is behind a lot of this type of behaviour; however, labels

then appear to be associated (sometimes inappropriately) with the

behaviour. Examples are “the commitmentphobe” (who actually has a

fear of commitment of any one thing, a person, or a situation that they

may perceive as restrictive), “the user” (a fear of being rejected, causing

dipping in and out), “the dreamer” (a fear of failure, talking a lot but

refraining from putting dreams into practice) , and “the time waster”

(a fear of having a relationship or fear of emotional intimacy, moving on

before a relationship becomes too deep).

What is really going on here is fear, in the same way that someone who

suffers with anxiety is fearful of uncertainty, fearful of tomorrow, or

fearful of not being in control, which then brings out anxious feelings

and the consequent associated behaviour patterns.

So, in terms of later life relationships, it is really helpful to look within

yourself and let go of your fears and the emotions and feelings

(emotional baggage) associated with them, to enable you to have a

successful relationship.

Letting go of fear is not so easily done, because people have to

recognise the fear within themselves first, and then want to change,

which is where my role comes in. I can help you overcome your fears

by helping you to see a different way of thinking.

Contact me to find out more, and discover how you can remove the

fears you may have.

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